(Intelligent) Design on the Presidency

I'd heard last week that John McCain is backing the presidents support for teaching "Intelligent Design" in schools. Knowing that the Achilles Heel of his GOP support seems to stem from disenchanted evangelicals (some of whom, in South Carolina, may think that he fathered a child with a black prostitute), this would seem to be an attempt to shore up support for a presidential run. Which makes him less of a renegade and more of a by-the-book politician. The same problem Hillary has, apparently. And then he's stupid to boot.

I really thought there was an upside to this, something that makes McCain look good but, alas, it is not to be.

The End of the World

We need to talk every day, The Internet. I miss you. Okay? Together, we can solve the problems of the World. Until it's destroyed. Like in this nifty Flash animation. By far the funniest apocalypse ever.

Thanks to Styro for destroying my ability to be productive the link.

Mission: "You Complete Me"

Bush is stumping for support for the War in Iraq as polls show that a majority of Americans now think it was mistake to invade Iraq in the first place. He's recently addressed groups in Utah and Idaho. The new spin: He has overwhelming support from the families of military personnel.

It's nice to know that a majority of those he's sent to fight a war of covenience support his decision to send them. I wonder if the GOP is looking at ways to make the votes of servicemen/women count three times as much.

On Being Bush

Thanks to our faithful (only?) reader, Melman, for stepping up to the plate and particpating in the betterment of America.

If you forgot what this was about, I'd asked for some words to help spruce up a recent presidential address in an effort to boost our dear leader's vocabulary. Here is the unaltered text:

"I believe a compassionate America is one that taps into the strength of the country. Those are the hearts and souls of our people. I like to remind our citizens, government can hand out money but it cannot put hope in a person's heart. That happens when a loving soul puts their arm around somebody in need, and says, what can I do to help you. That's the whole crux of the faith and community initiative -- faith-based and community initiative that I have worked with Congress on and worked with my administration on to spread compassion in America. Oh, I know there's a big debate here in Washington about separation of church and state, and I accept that debate. And I think it's important. The church should never be the state and the state should never be the church. No question about it."

And here is the new and improved text:

"I believe a festering America is one that runs into the trust of the country. Those are the elbows and souls of our people. I like to remind our citizens, government can hand out shit but it cannot put perversion in a person's pie hole. That happens when a bloody soul puts their testicle against somebody in need, and says, What can I do to help you. That's the whole crux of the faith-based and community initiative that I have punted with Congress on and worked with my administration on to slip deceit in America. Oh, I know there's a big debate here in Washington about separation of church and state, and I drop that debate. And I think it's smelly. The church should never be the dad and the state should never be the Hell. No question about it."

Better? No question about it.

Help Wanted: Speechwriter

I read in Newsweek a month ago that there's already talk about what kind of book Dubya is going to write once he's out of office. His daddy penned a book on foreign-policy, while Clinton wrote one about himself (and sold 2.1 million copies). What will our current leader come up with?

Well, presumably, it'll be short, whatever it is. And make use of many of the same words over and over and over . . . in seemingly random order.

Perhaps we need to help the president expand his vocabulary. I've taken a paragraph from a recent speech (that he surely did not write) and I need suggestions on some replacement words. It's not a mad lib . . . it's America.

adjective
verb ending in “s”
abstract noun
plural body part
noun
abstract noun
oriface
adjective
body part
preposition
verb ending in “ed”
verb
abstract noun
verb
adjective
noun
noun

E-mail your suggestions, or post them in the comments. The resulting speech "excerpt" will be posted here.

A Story We Didn't Even "Makeup"

Katherine Harris, the Florida-Secretary-of-State-turned-U.S.-Congresswoman, has accused (unidentified) newspapers with distorting her makeup in photos to poke fun at her and sully her image. Y'know what does great things for your image? Helping ignorant dipshits steal elections. Or so I've heard.

Intelligent Design: The Noodly Edition

As the president has announced his support for the teaching of "intelligent design" in schools, we eagerly await the textbooks. The thought of seeing the theory of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in print makes us all tingly. He must be so proud.

Uniting the Nations (Against Us)

Somewhere in the bowels of the White House, there was another in a series of conversations about what the president could do to get "Rovegate" off the front page. The nomination of John Roberts obviously hadn't had the desired affect. They needed something grand. Something bold. And, as it turned out, something stupid.

The naming of John Bolton as our U.N. ambassador is irretrievably dumb. Like, "Wow. That's just . . . bad" dumb.

So dumb, in fact, that I forgot about the whole Karl Rove thing for a minute. Or two.

I really want to express my distaste for this, as well as help get the message out to the "masses." So, I'll aid the Google users in finding this Nugget of Truth and Wisdom. My two-pronged attack, as it were:

anal teens . . . cum slut . . . huge black cocks . . . Karl Rove . . . hot coffee . . . hot lunch . . . bukkake pictures . . . John Bolton . . . earning your red wings . . . dirty sanchez . . . fisting . . . spreading santorum . . . Rick Santorum . . . angry dragon . . . Paris Hilton . . . Tom Cruise . . . I'm Rick James, bitch . . . hard, thick ram rods of the Apocalypse . . . NASCAR . . .

It's called raising the level of discourse. In a round-about way.